It was the two-month pediatrician check-up for our newborn. I hauled the clipboard of paperwork, the overpacked diaper bag, and the cumbrous carseat with my little twelve-pound baby in tow to room number five. Little Stella started to fuss, and I carefully unclipped her from the carseat and cradled her to nurse. The door opened without a knock and my baby daddy, Z, walked in-- we took separate cars. I was surprised he showed up at all after the argument we had that morning about my lack of intimacy. "Should you really be doing that right now?" he said as I pulled my nursing bra down for Stella to latch. I rolled my eyes at the audacity when he hadn't so much as offered to bottle feed our daughter for her two whole months of life. The doctor came in, finished the routine exam, and asked if the parents had any questions. I shook my head and stood up to leave. "How many months does it take until parents are out of the woods from divorce?" Z bluntly asked. The doctor was clearly taken by surprise, as was I. She gave me a concerned glance and answered very professionally, "If it's going to happen, I usually see couples break up within the first 6 months after their child is born." The doctor was right, we broke up a few weeks later and never returned to her office. That ominous exchange still haunts me.
Studies found that a staggering fifth of couples separate within the first twelve months after the birth of their first baby ([1]). The top reasons for separation include poor communication, arguments, dwindling sex life, and lack of affection. My story with Z was not unique; we suffered from all of these new-parent side effects and then some. But our issues didn't originate after Stella was born, instead they came from a seemingly small foundational crack in our relationship that intractably expanded under the pressure of a new and heavier structure of a growing family.
As it often occurs, a new mother's animosity surfaces from her resentment toward her partner for their inequity in child rearing. This may come as a shock to oblivious nulliparous women or new mothers, but there is no equality in the nine laborious months of pregnancy and the first year thereafter. As modern women, we've rejected the traditional model of family life in which women were solely burdened with the chores of cooking, cleaning, and childcare. Today, more than fifty percent of households are financially supported by the woman as well as the man [2] and in contrast, the title of "housewife" is disparaged. There is undoubtably a need to strive for the purest possible form of equality in every society, but we are doing a disservice to women if we treat motherhood as an equal facet and fail to prepare them for the realities that lie ahead.
Beginning with the tangibles, the pregnant mother's body will never be the same; she gains 25-50lbs of weight, her abdomen grows two to three times its normal circumference (or more with multiple babies), her breasts swell and leak, her ribs and hips are pulled apart (sometimes even leading to fractures during birth), her organs are compressed, her feet and nose may grow, her hair will change and may even fall out, she may be profusely vomiting for months, her teeth can decay, and her skin will be scarred with the stretch marks and possible surgery sutures as a forever reminder of her sacrifice. The man's body doesn't change a bit. The mother's brain changes, and she will experience some degree of depression and/or anxiety for as little as a few weeks or as long as years. The mother suffers from sleep deprivation and stress at the hands of her screaming infant that could rival the torture techniques at Guantanamo Bay. She may develop more severe psychological disorders like PTSD, OCD, or psychosis. The father's mental health generally remains intact. The mother becomes the primary source of the baby's primordial needs for food, safety, and comfort that exist 24/7, putting strain on her social life and sense of self. The father's social life is more or less unchanged. The woman will face career delays and even discrimination that can impact the remainder of her life. The man's career tends to improve, and he is more respected as a businessman for having a family.
If you are a pregnant mother, drop any expectations that you will find fair partnership during this period of your life. The female body is so miraculous and capable of enduring the unfathomable circumstances of the "four trimesters", it is naive to believe that the man could somehow match these godlike qualities. Nothing your partner could do for you will make it feel fair. Once you let go of any expectations that your man needs to meet your levels of pain and suffering, then you can be at peace with your relationship, your circumstances, and embrace your newfound motherhood. You'll come to realize that the inequality is not what it seems, and mothers actually hold a higher reward; Although a man will never experience such insanity-driving hormones and torture, he also will never experience the purest and deepest form of love and emotion that a mother feels when she meets her child. It is truly a spectacular event, and only mothers can feel it to the fullest. It is common for mothers to cry of pure elation when holding their baby for the first time after just giving birth. This moment is so raw and instinctual, it is regarded as the birth of the new mother as well. Afterwards, you will hopefully come to find that this new identity is a blessing rather than a curse.
Removing the expectations of equality is not to say that the woman's partner has no role during this time. On the contrary, the man's role is vital to the woman's transition into her mother archetype. He plays a major part in fostering her femininity and ensuring her security. The man must be unselfish with his woman in the same way that the woman is selflessly devoted to their child. This was the crux of my problems with Z. Z was always excessively demanding of my time, my attention, and my body. It was manageable while we were dating; after all, that dynamic didn't seem that unusual considering I was his sugar-baby. But it became troublesome after I delivered our daughter. He demanded sex shortly after my cesarian section (a surgery so ghastly that I could hardly walk for months). He became jealous of the attention I gave to our newborn daughter. He would become enraged that I didn't spend enough time with him and would retaliate by leaving for weeks at a time. Billionaires are so temperamental. It felt like I had two children instead of the one I actually birthed. During this time, everything became more stressful and it only made my transition into motherhood more difficult. It was unbearable for both of us: Z wanted our relationship to remain the way it was before pregnancy, while I wanted a supportive partner during the most vulnerable point in my life. On that day in the pediatrician's office, I realized that Z was already hedging for his third divorce... to me.
Men, there are a number of things you can do to support your woman throughout her pregnancy and early motherhood to avoid such a disastrous outcome as ours. Firstly, remember that when you got her pregnant, you asked for a mother to your child. And you will certainly get that, albeit at the expense of your own needs. Keep that in mind when she is more concerned with your children than your penis. Ensure that she knows that she is still sexy throughout her extensive bodily changes and weight gain, but do not pressure her about sex; every woman is different, but it is likely that she will have no interest in sex for an extended period after birth. Instead, try to pitch in on the chores whenever possible and don't wait for her to ask: cook meals, sweep the floors, wash the baby bottles, change a diaper, etc. If you can afford it, I would highly recommend hiring a housekeeper or a mother's helper. A nanny or night nurse is always a great idea for both of you. Your baby mama will need some time to herself, so offer to watch the baby at least once a day so she can shower and have a break-- mothers are notorious for neglecting personal hygiene to look after their baby. Tell her she is beautiful despite the fact that she hasn't put on makeup in three weeks, her shirts are stained with breastmilk, and she may even smell weird at times. Check on her mental wellbeing; baby blues, postpartum depression/anxiety and lack of sleep can take a serious toll on her. Encourage her to go out with friends and connect with family. Remind her constantly that she is an amazing mother. Continue to thank her for brining your child into the world as well as the labor she puts into feeding and caring for that child (trust me, breastfeeding is almost as nauseating as the morning sickness). Common practice is to give her a "push present" of equal value to an anniversary gift or more. Most importantly, make her feel loved and secure. Accepting the changing dynamics of your relationship and authentically supporting your woman during such a sensitive period is what will define your first impressions as a father. Believe me, these couple of years will set the tone for the remainder of your lives together and can make the difference between a divorce or a lasting happy family.
[1] As a data scientist, I will always read the studies I present to you for flaws or alternate interpretations. In this case, multiple websites references a "study" which I cannot find publication of nor any details on the research. Feel free to contact me with any more info related to this:
Griffiths, Josie. “A Fifth of Parents Break-up in the Year after Having a Baby.” The Sun, 15 Oct. 2019, https://www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/10138332/fifth-parents-break-up-year-baby/#:~:text=A%20study%20of%202%2C000%20mums,good%20during%20the%20first%20year.&text=More%20than%20one%20in%2010,but%20later%20got%20back%20together.
[2] Validation in progress
https://www.magnifymoney.com/news/dual-income-households-study/